1- Build rapport to lessen tension. Don’t use stubbornness to get what you want, instead learn the essentials of negotiation so you can compromise, cooperate and collaborate. You will get what you want in a more effective and professional manner. Building rapport is the first step. People tend to let down their guard with those who share common interests. If you put your stubbornness aside and relate to people, they will respond in a positive way.

• Find common ground with people by simply noticing a photograph or piece of art on the wall or on the person’s desk and say, “That is a great shot. It looks like a place I saw in New Mexico. Where did you take that?”
• To find common ground with people steer toward conversations about the weather, pets and children. People respond to people they can relate to. Find a subject matter the person can relate to and talk about it. Bringing the subject up again when you are leaving is a nice way to end the conversation.
• You will be asked questions that might make you feel defensive. Maintain your composure and say, “In the hope of resolving this issue, let me try to answer that question without getting defensive.” Saying it out loud will remind you to focus on continuing to build rapport.
• You might feel competitive toward the other person, so remember that good sportsmanship is relevant to any competitive situation.
• Maintain a professional, friendly tone throughout the conversation.

2- Decrease misunderstandings to increase resolution. Make it your goal to understand what the other person is saying and what they want. If something doesn’t make sense to you, ask for clarification. Next, express your desires in a way that will help the other person understand what you want. Once both parties understand each other, it will be easier to mold a positive outcome.

• If there is something that you don’t understand say, “I don’t know if I’m understanding why you need to use the car next week. Are you saying that you won’t be able to make it to work, or will you get fired because of it?”
• You may need to apologize for a misunderstanding. For example you might say, “I am sorry I created a misunderstanding. Let me see if I can rephrase it.”

3- Build legitimate support for your position. Your stubborn demands have probably lacked rational support if stubbornness has been your main tactic for controlling a situation. Others have probably given up trying to resolve an issue with you because you continually force your position on to them.

4- Facilitate and celebrate agreements. If you approach every situation with the intent of saying “no,” it will hinder an agreement. Conflicts are resolved much quicker if you start with an attitude of, “How can we make this work?” You aren’t giving up any power by using this approach. In fact, arriving at a solution in an expedient manner is a powerful accomplishment.

• If you have been at odds with a roommate and you resolve a longstanding issue say, “I’m so happy we solved this problem. Let’s go out for coffee and dessert. My treat.”
• Whenever you have had a struggle with someone, always acknowledge his willingness to work on a solution. For example say, “I really appreciate you working with me to get this issue resolved. I hope we can put it behind us now.”
• Acknowledge when you have put your stubbornness aside and it has made a difference. For example say, “I really tried to not be stubborn and I think it helped. Do you?” You are not admitting a weakness. Making a change is a show of strength.

5- Agree to disagree. There will be times when you won’t be able to resolve a conflict. If you make every effort to fully participate, then that is all that you can do. You may want to make additional attempts at a resolution. Unfortunately, there are times when you must accept it and move on.

• You can always take a break from the action to allow yourself and the other person to think, cool down, and process the potential outcomes.
• Sometimes the best outcome is to understand that you will never understand. This will help you mentally get past the issue.